To Dennis, a letter from the road

It has been a while since my last letter to you. Much has changed in my life - not all good, but neither all bad. I trust this finds you and yours’ well, happy, and prosperous.

Back in July of 2009, I resolved to relieve my unhappiness - at home and at work. I left Iowa and my wife for the clarity that has always come from visiting Montana. Thinking it would be a trip of uncertain duration or outcome, I brought a fair number of clothes while leaving all else, including dogs, behind.

My journey was short; I rarely dally when crossing the barren Midwest. Driving the new car afforded me the luxury of music. Still, I spent the time deep in personal reflection. It made no sense to change the trappings or location of my life if I remained immutable. Happiness, Eleanor Roosevelt once said, is an inside job. So why my rush to depart? Why was I unable to achieve happiness in Iowa, with my wife, employed by AT&T? Was this a mid-life crisis, or a mid-life awakening?

As the miles spilled away ahead and behind, I spoke into a voice record I bought in Sioux City. I rambled and vented, allowing my thoughts to wither or survive under the cold light of the world outside my mind. My soliloquy revealed an abiding frustration with the choices I had made. Not regret that I had made these decisions, but that I had clung to them so tenaciously out of fear primarily, and sadness. Despite four years of working a program of honesty and sharing, I had reached a point beyond which I could not go. I was waiting for change to happen, for God to show the way. But it had already. My feelings were proof, as was the poisonous silence at home and the results of my work. All of these showed my efforts to be in good faith, but with null results.

I wonder, increasingly, what and where the dividing line resides between seeing the path God wants for me, and the actions and point of decision where I meekly go about fulfilling his will. Not every selfless act is God-inspired (viz, my marriage), nor every selfish act narcissistic (viz, getting healthy and setting boundaries). Certainly striving for the act of spontaneous release like a Zen archer releasing the perfect shot is fulfilling – finding the true certain is an exercise in ecstasy – but it is damned hard!

The fact is I’m defined by what I do more than what I say or think. Setting loose to reset my life is a defining series of moments that are fundamental. I can no more erase their effects than a child can stop the ripples of a pond when casting a stone. No words can undo created memories or damned-up feelings. My heart, broken so long ago, heals but will forever be a different device, wound to a different beat.

My long-stated suffering in my job revealed a shallow, callow character that was called into account during the death of a co-worker and the murder of a friend. If my job was so terrible, why didn’t I simply leave and trust in God’s plan and my ability to provide my daily bread?  If the job wasn’t terrible, why not cease my whining? It accomplished little save some laughter at shared bitterness. Gratitude began to emerge, but with it a sense of my immaturity. I contain the seeds of my own transformation, charged by a higher power. Mulling endlessly was cheating myself of time and new experiences. As I valued myself a Renaissance Man, should I not cast off my own self-imposed limitations? What did I have to risk? Home – a pittance to maintain. Marriage  - if it failed to emerge whole it would not be because of my job. Friends, coworkers, family – all those I love and respect returned in kind. We hope only for success and happiness for others, even if it means some bittersweet sacrifices to our own collaborations. No, I had to risk my faith that I would be all right. It is a terrible, and defining act, to cut the cords and fall to discover if I could fly. How ironic to find I could fly all along.

When I realized I was ready to take risks and move towards a new life, rather than away from that which I feared, the other decisions were made minor in comparison.

Location and vocation were reversed in priority, as were safety and surety. Upon examination I wished for a more active lifestyle, out in nature where my daily relationship with god was constantly renewed and affirmed. I missed skiing and hiking, feeling alive with the wind about me. The stark beauty of the western Rockies beckoned, and the idea of a livable, walkable, bikeable city entranced. My relationship with my parents waxes increasingly important as time’s weight presses, so I wanted to be closer to them. Finally, food and diversity were key. Much as I wish I were hardier, I must admit loving rare and yet now mundane foods only readily obtained in a city of at least modest size and urbanity. Salt Lake City fulfilled all of these criteria with the added blessings of sun, low cost of living, and the proximity of my best friend from college. Bought a house with a yard for the dogs. Done!

As for work, I looked to past loyalties, stated goals, and flexibility. My fondest wish at the time was to start a company that helps the earth, my community, offers a decent living wage and lifestyle that is reasoned and sane, and that contains within it the seeds of building a better from of corporate capitalism. In short, I knew how I wanted it to feel long before I suspected what it might produce.

My interests and past education, both collegiate and vocational, appear to coincide with the recent idea of Green Information Technology: the synthesis of methods, technologies, and  paradigms found within an Internet focused world and applied to the startling backward electrical generation and distribution industries. To my own eye, few have the wherewithal to see beyond the immediacies of a smart grid into its many future applications and pitfalls. Energy usage is like water consumption or data traffic, the devil is in the methods of measurement, the presentation of useful, meaningful statistics, and the fulfillment of the audience’s needs. The tips and tricks honed in the past 11 years of networking do not need to be recreated for energy.
Clearly then I had adequate passion and experience, but still require capital, time, personnel, and industry specific knowledge. I have been blessed with a plentitude of talented friends, so that has proven to be a relatively low barrier. Knowledge requires time and discipline – fewer hobbies, less time devoted to other pursuits, more focus. But capital, that is tricky. Because of the economy it could be very difficult, so maybe take a job to build up a war-chest, research in the meantime. Get smart. Self-funding is as liberating as self-determination.

Such a dual life has proven challenging, but not insurmountable. My biggest obstacle is myself and my capital sin is distraction. I’ve been blessed with a lucrative job, but without applying a vision of my long term goals, I’ve merely changed players instead of the game. I’ve much to do, and time moves on faster and faster.
I shall close this letter with fond wishes for the achievement of our dreams tempered by our obligations of service to a higher power, to our families, and to humanity. May we be shriven of ego, and bathed in the knowledge that we are a force for good.

Happy holidays,
Dave